Why Do We Fall into People-Pleasing?
At some point in our lives, many of us develop behaviours aimed at avoiding conflict, rejection, or discomfort. Often, these habits stem from early experiences where we felt powerless, hurt, or unseen. Without realising it, we adapt to survive those moments – but these strategies may no longer serve us in adulthood.
Let’s explore a common survival adaptation called Survival Appease, often referred to as “people-pleasing.” It can show up in two distinct ways, both with their benefits and drawbacks.
The Two Faces of Survival Appease
1. The “Go-With-the-Flow” Strategy
This approach operates on the subconscious belief: If I don’t resist, no one can overpower me.
This habit involves:
- Avoiding conflict by saying “yes” to everything.
- Accepting whatever is offered without expressing personal preferences.
- Striving to appear agreeable and laid-back in every situation.
Why It Feels Safe:
By being easy-going, you maintain control over your experiences – or so it seems. Since you’re “choosing” to go along with others, it doesn’t feel like anyone is forcing you.
The Hidden Cost:
This strategy often blurs boundaries. Over time, you may lose sight of your desires, needs, and identity, as they are constantly overridden by others’ preferences.
2. The “Get-It-Done” Strategy
This approach comes from the belief: If I take charge, I can control everything and avoid vulnerability.
This habit involves:
- Volunteering for leadership roles or taking on responsibilities eagerly.
- Working harder and longer to ensure everything goes smoothly.
- Overgiving to prove your worth and indispensability.
Why It Feels Safe:
By being the one in charge, you eliminate the risk of being hurt by someone else’s decisions. This strategy gives you a sense of control and shields you from feelings of helplessness.
The Hidden Cost:
The constant overworking and overplanning can lead to exhaustion and resentment. Moreover, receiving praise for what you do rather than who you are may leave you feeling unappreciated at a deeper level.
How to Break Free
If you recognise yourself in one or both of these patterns, don’t worry – you’re not alone. These behaviours are normal responses to early experiences and are often driven by subconscious neural patterns. The good news? With awareness and self-compassion, you can begin to shift them.
Step 1: Notice the Pattern
The first step to change is recognising when you’re engaging in Survival Appease behaviour. Ask yourself:
- Am I saying “yes” just to avoid conflict?
- Am I overextending myself to maintain control or avoid vulnerability?
Awareness interrupts the autopilot response and opens the door to new choices.
Step 2: Offer Yourself Compassion
Remember that these behaviours were born out of a need to survive. Be kind to yourself as you reflect on them.
For example:
- If you’re constantly taking on responsibilities, recognise that it’s your nervous system’s way of creating safety. You can choose to approach these moments with understanding rather than judgment.
- If you find yourself going with the flow to avoid conflict, remind yourself that it’s okay to express your preferences – your voice matters.
Step 3: Reclaim Your Power
Shifting out of Survival Appease isn’t about rejecting these habits entirely. Instead, it’s about reframing them in a way that serves you.
- For “Go-With-the-Flow” Types: Start small by expressing a preference in a low-stakes situation, like choosing the restaurant for dinner.
- For “Get-It-Done” Types: Practise delegating one task or saying no to an extra responsibility.
Over time, these small shifts can lead to greater balance, clarity, and freedom in your relationships and daily life.
Moving Forward
Releasing survival-based habits isn’t about perfection – it’s about progress. By noticing your patterns and offering yourself compassion, you can start to live from a place of choice rather than reaction.
If you’re ready to deepen this work and accelerate your growth, NeuroEmotional Coaching can provide tools and support to help you rewire these patterns. Together, we can create a life where your actions come from authenticity and empowerment, not survival. Book your free call today.