Do you know, our kids experience emotions just as deeply as we do.
When they feel scared, it’s the same as when we feel scared. Imagine how scary that is? Do you remember? And when the adult who loves you most in the world won’t go there with you and tell you that it’s okay to be scared and that you are safe, how do you expect that you will be able to trust anyone in the world again with that level of emotion, let alone yourself? You will start to hide it if there is no one to support it, because it’s too painful to go through that alone – and we weren’t designed to.
When we’re born, our Emotional and Executive Systems aren’t built yet. We need the adults around us to help us construct them. So when we’re little and need assistance, but the adults around us aren’t helpful, and instead are yelling, avoiding, ignoring, or trying to fix the feelings instead of supporting the feelings, our brain has no choice but to try and manage feelings with the only system it has on board, the Survival System.
– The Center for Emotional Education
This self-protection mechanism kicks in to protect us. Thank goodness. But there’s one problem with it. It doesn’t ever switch off unless we realise that we are adults now, and we are safe, and it is okay to switch it off.
But now, we have had no proper practice with these big feelings, we don’t know how to experience them without totally freaking out, and we don’t know how to support them when someone displays those feelings in front of us. Now we have become fixers. We try and fix other people’s feelings (because we view feelings as problems) to avoid having to feel uncomfortable in our own bodies.
We try and fix our own issues with all the things, all the ways, all the practices. We try, try, try to change our lives. To make ourselves happy. We are trying too much. Too much. There is too much of everything. We need to start believing that it’s okay to enjoy life again. We can breathe. We can. We are okay. We made it here. Now it’s time to settle and be kind to ourselves and our people.
But how?
Just listen. That’s all you have to do. Let people tell their stories and listen. Just keep listening. No judging, just get into their story with them, like you are watching a movie. Be really interested and curious about where their story goes. And do nothing else. And then if you find yourself having feelings, do the same. Just get curious.
Find awareness when you’re freaking out and look at it as a portal back to curiosity, then get curious. What is this feeling? Where is it showing up in my body? Eventually, living in that feeling with such deep curiosity could bring other memories to the surface, other memories that are associated with that same feeling. This is your research project, your opportunity to go as deep as you want to via nothing but curiosity for the feeling.
You are reviewing your timeline for evidence of feelings that need to be processed and released. It feels good to release. Letting go of stuff you don’t need anymore because now you’re an adult. You have your own life. You’re the B O S S. Yes. And that makes you a creative whether you want to see it that way or not. You are creative and you must create. And your life is your creation.
Little reminders
Today I made a sign to remind my 8 year old son of the above knowledge that I have acquired from training with The Center for Emotional Education over the last few years. And it’s inspired by the one and only Glennon Doyle. The sign says; “We can do hard things”. Because he started school this week, after three years of being home with Mama through lockdown. This is big stuff for him. His feelings are all coming up. He is so sad to be km’s away from me for six hours of the day.
Why? He can’t understand why the world is designed this way. “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be Mama.” He tells me, many, many times. I listen. “I hear you baby. I hear you. It’s not supposed to be that way.” He cries some more. I hold him. And it feels so good. For me, for him. To just be there with each other. And not fix anything. But man it’s hard. It’s hard to feel every fucking thing. Nobody told us this when we were young. I think this is why we are struggling. Because nobody told us. That to feel our feelings as human beings is normal. It’s literally the human condition. And that is not escapable. So why are we all giving each other such a hard time about it?
The human condition is to feel. Become aware of this and accept this, and life will slowly get easier. You are worth feeling it all. And if you need a little help on your journey, you know who to call.