Yelling often feels like it comes out of nowhere.
One moment you’re holding it together, and the next, words are flying out at high speed and volume. Later, regret settles in, leaving you wondering why it happened at all.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Yelling at loved ones – whether a partner, a child, or even a friend – is a common response to reaching a neuroemotional tipping point. The good news? You can shift this habit with a simple yet effective strategy.
What’s Happening in Your Brain When You Yell?
Yelling is often the result of emotional overload. It happens when:
- An acute wave of emotional discomfort hits, and your brain is overwhelmed in the moment.
- Unprocessed emotions accumulate, building to a critical point that feels unbearable.
When this happens, your brain shifts into Survival Mode, where your options are limited to:
- Fight: Lashing out (yelling, blaming).
- Flight: Walking away or shutting down.
- Freeze: Feeling paralysed and unable to respond.
- Appease: Over-accommodating to diffuse the situation.
In this state, logic and compassion take a back seat, making it difficult to respond thoughtfully.
The Strategy: Stop Yelling At – Start Yelling Feelings
Instead of directing your frustration at someone, try naming and expressing your feelings loudly. Here’s how it works:
Traditional Yelling:
“WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?! ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”
Yelling Feelings:
“I FEEL SO MUCH FRUSTRATION AND CONFUSION RIGHT NOW!”
(Then, pause and take a deep breath…)
Traditional Yelling:
“GO TO YOUR ROOM! I CAN’T DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!”
Yelling Feelings:
“I FEEL SO MUCH ANGER! I NEED A MOMENT TO THINK!”
(And then, pause again…)
Why This Works
- Reduces Emotional Intensity
Naming your feelings (even loudly) helps shift the neurochemistry of your brain, reducing the overwhelming emotional charge. - Builds Emotional Sovereignty
By expressing your emotions clearly, you model healthy emotional regulation for yourself and your loved ones. - Strengthens Relationships
Yelling feelings decreases the sense of attack, reducing defensiveness and encouraging empathy. Over time, this habit creates a safer and more supportive environment for everyone.
A Subtle But Important Tip
To get the full benefit of this practice, use nouns instead of adjectives when naming your feelings.
- Instead of adjectives:
“I feel frustrated.”
“I feel annoyed.” - Try nouns:
“I feel frustration.”
“I feel annoyance.”
Why does this matter? Nouns invite a shift in neurochemistry and promote empathy, while adjectives can unintentionally sound accusatory and provoke defensiveness.
How This Can Transform Your Family
When you start yelling feelings, you may notice a ripple effect. Over time, your loved ones will begin to mirror this approach, expressing their emotions in a more constructive way.
For example:
- Old Habit:
“MOM! WHY DID YOU GET RID OF MY THING?” - New Habit:
“MOM! I FEEL PANIC! I CAN’T FIND MY THING!”
Doesn’t that feel better?
Start Practising Today
Breaking the yelling habit takes time and consistency, but every small step counts. Begin by noticing when the urge to yell arises, and try replacing it with yelled feelings instead. Over time, this practice will feel more natural, and your relationships will benefit immensely.
If you’re ready to dive deeper into emotional regulation and learn more tools like this, NeuroEmotional Coaching offers a safe, supportive space to explore and transform your emotional habits. Let’s work together to create healthier dynamics in your life.